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Spanking is a hot topic that is given too much negative press by those ‘against’ it and too much credit by those ‘for’ it.  It only becomes a problem when it is over-used or badly used.   It is not a cure all.  It can be the right discipline when used the right way, in the right amount and at the right time.  Spanking is only one method in what should be an ‘arsenal’ of methods used by parents, to include time outs, grounding, scolding, reprimanding, removal of electronics, etc.

There is a famous reference that I have heard in my many years of social work more times than I can remember, ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’.  ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’ is of course, a reference based on several Bible verses that many people use as permission and even instruction to spank their children.  Since this phrase is referred to so frequently in reference to spanking and so badly misunderstood, I want to address it briefly.

To begin with, what was a rod?   In biblical times, the rod was a long pole that shepherds used to work their sheep.  It was usually wooden and sometimes had a hook on the end.  It was also referred to frequently as a staff.  The rod or staff, however, was never used to spank, hit or beat the sheep.  To do so would have created the possibility of injury and they would never have done anything that might have injured their sheep.  Sheep were far too valuable.  Today, if a sheep rancher loses a sheep, it is extremely expensive, but his family will still eat.  Back then, however, an injured sheep was often the difference between whether his family would eat or starve.   Sheep were their most valued possessions and they could not run to the corner vet if one was accidently injured.

The rod was used for one purpose and one purpose only, to ‘guide’ the sheep.  Tap them on the left shoulder and they will turn right.  Tap them on the right shoulder and they will turn left.  If they did not use their rod to ‘guide’ the sheep, they would go astray or go off in the wrong direction and be lost.  Therefore, ‘to spare the rod and spoil the child’ was used to reference a child’s need for guidance, not spanking.  And yes, the phrase contains a lot of wisdom if interpreted correctly.  If parents do not ‘guide’ their children, they will stray or head in the wrong direction.  They must have guidance.  They cannot be put on ‘autopilot’ and be expected to make the right decisions for themselves.  They are, after all, children.  Even as teenagers, they are still children.

So how do you guide them?  You guide them with an abundance of nurturing and structure.  Nurturing, given often, in abundance and for no particular reason, and structure, provided as rules and discipline for unacceptable behavior, to yield guidance.   The proper discipline only comes from a cool head.  You have to be able to think to be constructive and no one can be constructive when they are angry or frustrated.  You have got to cool off first.

Many parents feel that they must instill discipline as soon as they have become aware of  misbehavior.  For all except the smallest children, that simply is not true.  In fact, that is the worst possible time!  There is nothing wrong with telling your child that they are going to be punished but you cannot do it right then because you are simply too angry.  They need to know that you are angry but they do not need to know what their discipline is going to be right then.  Give yourself a break and cool off awhile.  Do something else.  Phone someone. Clean house.  Take a drive.  Do whatever you need to do until some clarity has returned to your brain.  We are not machines.  It takes a while.  You will be amazed how many options begin to pop into your head when your head is finally clear enough to think.

Doling out any form of discipline while you are angry will usually be less than effective. Spanking while you are angry, however, is just inviting disaster.  Remember, you are trying to ‘guide’ and teach, not vent frustration and anger. Spanking a child while angry, in my experience, almost always results in some kind of injury.  No loving parent ever wants or intends to hurt or injure their child, but an injury as simple as a bruise is still an injury.

There is a very simple principle involved with spanking.  It always applies.  If you have chosen to spank to correct a misbehavior, it will work long before you have gotten to the point of leaving bruises or it won’t work at all.  Let me repeat.  If spanking has not worked before you have gotten to the point of leaving bruises, it will never work as an effective discipline for that behavior and possibly that child.  Spanking harder will not make it suddenly start working.  It simply is not going to work and you need to try something else.  For ideas on other forms of discipline that might work to replace spanking, read  ‘Tips for Successful Parenting’ at http://WhartonInformationNow.com.

Spanking gains a bad reputation and loses its effectiveness because it is used as a cure all, which of course it never is.  When added with frustration and anger, it creates frustration and resentment in the child and invites the possibility of real tragedy when an object such as a belt, cord, paddle, etc. is used.  When we cherish something as much as we cherish our children and are faced with the fear of them going off on the wrong path, it is easy to understand why we often lose sight of the overall goal.  The goal is to ‘guide’ them to becoming happy, well-adjusted adults. Guidance, though, comes from a variety of different tools.   When spanking is reserved for only a few unique situations rather than ‘every’ situation, then and only then, does it become one of many tools that can be successful in ‘guiding’ our most “prized possessions” in the proper direction.