Why Not Ask Why By Kevin Cole
In the early days of many NLP training programs and some Life Coach Training programs, it was often noted somewhat religiously that you should never ask the question WHY? This is especially noted when using the Meta Model. Many trainers and practitioners still believe that you should never ask why and practice it with the same religious overtones. Silly disciples…
NLP was never meant to stay the same and has always been meant to continually evolve. That said, there are some very good reasons you should use caution when asking the question “Why”. Especially when using the Meta Model.
These reasons include the fact that asking “Why” does not provide specific information and after all that’s what the Meta Model is all about, right? Getting specific information from your client or yourself about what we delete, distort, and generalize.
Well, it can actually be quite useful to ask the question “Why” so long as you use it appropriately.
Let me first explain how your brain works when you ask any question– whether it be why, how, what, which, who, or whom?
As you’ve probably heard before, your brain is very similar to a computer- only a billion times more powerful. Remember, human beings created computers, not the other way around.
That being said, when we ask a question, our brain searches the literally billions of “files” of past experiences in order to find answers to that question and most of this process is completely unconscious.
Very similar to doing a Google search for “Why is the sky blue?” Google will find thousands of answers for you. Some correct, some not. Some useful and some not- and you can only “consciously” see the first ten answers, and all the rest are hidden from your “conscious awareness” on all of the back pages.
Also, as many of you may have learned from a film called “The Secret” something that has been known to the world of NLP since its inception…
Whatever you focus on, either conscious or unconscious you will manifest more of in your life. Therefore by understanding that when you ask “Why” you are unconsciously searching billions of files and focusing on them causing you to “manifest” more of what you are asking why about?
Here are some examples of rather unresourceful Why questions…
- Why do I keep ending up in the same unresourceful relationships?
- Why do I keep ending up with jobs that I hate?
- Why can’t I seem to focus?
- When you ask “Why” to an unresourceful question, you tend to manifest more of what’s unresourceful for you.
So how can I get an answer to an unresourceful question without asking why? Great question…
Here’s the formula…
First ask, “What’s the lesson?” or “What am I meant to learn from this experience?”, then ask, “What do I really want”, followed by the rest of NLP’s “Well Formed Outcome”.
For Example: Instead of asking, “Why do I keep ending up in the same unresourceful relationships” You can and I strongly encourage you to ask…
- “What’s the message that I’m trying to tell myself?
- “What am I supposed to learn OR what can I learn from these past relationships?” This uses presuppositions to your advantage AND it’s one of the NLP presuppositions, only worded differently. Every act has a positive intent.
GET THAT MESSAGE so that it can stop trying to be delivered over and over again…
THEN… Ask, “Now that I understand what I was trying to teach myself…
WHAT kind of relationship do I really want?
Then… Ask“Is this good for me, good for others, and ideally good for the environment? If yes to all three…
Then ask, HOWcan I allow myself to have this kind of relationship while making an effort to move towards it?
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