Dating Smarter is something I’ve been asking my adults clients to do for over 20 years!
Hello, I’m Bill Strong and I’ve been in private practice for over 20 years in Denver, Colorado. As you might guess, many of the adults I work with are seeking help in their dating and relationships. I like to combine the role of Dating Coach with that of a Solution Focused Therapist. In doing so, I ask my clients to “get clear” on just what they are looking for in their relationships.
Dating takes many different forms as each person had their own unique set of goals. To over-simplify, I believe people tend to either date for fun, or they are searching for a long-term partner. Just dating for fun is pretty self-explanatory. Although it’s “just for fun, no drama”, people seem to with this approach and often make as many mistakes in their fun-dating as those who are looking for something more serious.
So let’s examine some aspect of what I consider “Dating Smart”.
Make Dating Fun!
In my 20+ years of being a therapist, I have lost count of how many times I’ve heard a client say “I just hate dating”. My response is always the same; “Boy, I’ll bet you’re fun to date then”.Seriously, if you “hate dating” how can that be a good place to start something good? I want my clients to make their dating fun, even if they are looking for a long-term relationship. Just what is there to hate about dating and how can we chance that perspective?
I ask my clients to imagine playing a game of with some close friends. Just for fun, nothing too serious (as in not involving a lot of money). Let’s say we are playing quarter ante, where the pot never gets much more than $5.00. You’re having fun and you might win a little cash for Starbucks.Each card you draw is just part of the fun, no pressure or stress. Lots of laughs and good times are the result.
Now imagine you’re playing $100 ante, where the pot gets over $1000. Now each card is a BIG DEAL and you’re probably not laughing and goofing around as much. Every card you get means something and it’s a stressful process. Getting a bad card is upsetting and a good hand probably feels great. Balance is just about out the window. Unless you’re a serious player you’re probably not having that much fun.
See where I’m going with this? People who are looking for their “life partner” approach dating as if the stakes are really high. They will actually argue with me about how serious it is. Even for someone they are just meeting for lunch! Everything that happens on the date is a “big deal”, good or bad. This is where I think people stop having fun on their dates as everything weighs so heavily on the process. Wow, just thinking about this makes me hate dating!
So, lighten up and have fun on your dates. Approach it like a potential friendship. Relax and see if you find the other person interesting and enjoyable. That is how we can start something meaningful, healthy and long-term.
Know What You’re Trying To Accomplish!
Just like most things in life, knowing where you’re hoping to end up guides our starting point. Are you dating for “just fun”? If so, then tell the other person. Plenty of people are looking for everything from “hook-ups” to simple dinner dates. Be honest about what you’re about and seeking. Make sure you believe someone when they are telling you they are just dating for fun. I see more broken hearts when this is ignored! If someone tells you they aren’t looking for a serious relationship, believe them! If you ignore this I’ll bet you’ll be hearing that comment again down the road if things get serious. You’ll most certainly hear it when you start asking for more from the relationship.
If you’re looking for something serious, then please remember my analogy. Keep it fun and light. Keep it simple. Do not talk about heavy drama topics (like your last relationship or break up) on the first date! Even if you’re faced with the old “So, we may as well get our past out of the way…what happened in your last relationship”. DO NOT fall into the trap of too much self-disclosure early on in a dating relationship. Simply say “Oh, I don’t want to bore you with that topic”, then redirect the conversation. Say something like “So, where did you go on your last vacation?” Which of course is a boundary. Most people will then move past the topic, which is a healthy reaction to a boundary. Some people will ask again by saying “No really, what happened? Do you have problems talking about personal issues”? Besides asking for the check, the response here is “No, I actually like talking with my friends about meaningful and personal topics. Given that we’ve just met, I just don’t feel compelled to share my life story with someone I just met”. Any yes, the date at this point is probably dead in the water, as it should be. Move on unless you are seeking a pushy person who steamrolls your boundaries.
If you’re looking for a relationship, accept that most dates aren’t going anywhere because you’re looking for something special and difficult to find.
I can’t stress this point enough. I see clients make the same mistake time and time again. They start dating and then get serious with whoever they’ve had a second or third date with. Then when the relationship turns out to be less than they had hoped for, they saying something like “I dated a lot before I met this person, there’s no one out there for me”. Being the blunt therapist that I am, I have to point out that they didn’t date a lot. They dated a little, and got serious too soon.
Let’s end with a few rules that can help keep things fun and simple.
• Plan fun dates that are active and involve interaction.
• Meeting for coffee isn’t a date. It’s a meeting to see if you want to date the person.
• No heavy self-disclosure until you really start getting to know the person.
• Sorry but no sex until the 8th date or after. As soon as sex happens, simple/no drama goes out the window.
• No meeting the family, going on long weekends, or other activities that “couples” do until 3 months have passed from the first date.
• Do not see the person more than once a week for the first few months. Keep dating others. Do not be too available.
• Pay attention! People show you who they are. Are they on time? How much do they drink? Do they have a lot of nice friends or are they isolated? Do they like their work? Are they close to their family, and in particular their opposite sex parent (this may sound like psycho-babble, but trust me it matters).
That’s a start. I’ll be writing more about this in the future. I hope this helps! Date Smarter or you’ll just end up with someone, instead of The One.
Bill Strong, LCSW
Denver Therapist and Counselor
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Bill Strong, LCSW Denver Therapist and Counselor on Successful Dating Techniques. William Strong of Strong Solutions addresses strategies for adults do Date Smarter!
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